The Idiot Race

Four years ago the ratty trust-fund communists I knew in college bought Ron Paul stickers and banners that they proudly displayed (ironically, of course). "I'm gonna vote for him because if he wins the country will collapse and the revolution will come!" one of them excitedly told me once.

That joke isn't funny anymore. It's too close to home. It's too near the bone.

Take a brief stroll through the internet and you'll find it all a-twitter with undereducated undergraduates telling you that Ron Paul's poll numbers are higher that whatever candidate's from years past were and he should be treated like a real contender because he is one, damnit. He speaks honestly and he doesn't bow to corporate pressure and he has ideas, man.

I know, I know. It's serious.

But he's not. The man wants you to vote him in so he can disassemble everything but the election commission (and maybe that could be privatized too). That's just ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. No amount of respect I have for the guy for calling bullshit or for abusing an already ruined Rick Perry can make up for that. You only really think the hyperactive Texan deserves credit because he's in the running with Rick Santorum (come on, don't make me make a shit joke) and the previously mentioned George Bush Redux (we'll miss you, bud) and Michelle Bachmann (eh).

Of course, there's also the Mormon robot who's stuck on robo-call mode and the guy who (allegedly) left his wife while she was in the hospital and wants to institute massive child labor programs and who only loses the worst name award because his competitor (yep, I'm doing it) shares a name with anal sex aftermath.

Here's the point where most people say: "How are these people serious candidates!?" Well, they're not. Yes, people take them seriously, but that's a different question--and, more importantly, it's a question no one's asking.

I don't just mean that the big, evil media is pretending Rick Santorum should be considered as a possible president and that they're secretly tricking our poor nation into believing it. I mean you should stop talking about these people with any sort of significance. Just ignore them. No, really. Next time you're chatting with some friends, talk about something boringly serious instead, like campaign finance reform. Or just take the easy way out and watch Stephen Colbert ridicule it.